21 March 10
You have an effect on people
And you probably have no clue how much you’ve affected them. In fact you’ve probably affected many people you don’t even remember talking to. I’ve realized how true this is in the last week.
This year at SXSW I was lucky enough to attend a dinner on Friday night called Break Bread for Brad, a play on the previously held Break Bread With Brad. Brad passed away on January 4th and it was great to be surrounded by people drinking Shiner and remembering him in the way he would have remembered us if the tables were turned. And as I stood at one point looking at the hundred-plus people gathered on this outdoor patio at a bar in Austin, Texas, feeling the absence of a man that looms larger than life still for many, I realized that this wasn’t just an opportunity to mourn the passing of one friend. It was also the anniversary of when I “met the internet”. For it was at BBwB in 2005 that I met many of the people on the patio. And as the years continued, I met more and more and more. Almost none of these people were people I’d read before SXSW. The people I read at that time were few and not in the geek-tech crowd.
But meeting these people in person opened up my life, opened up my eyes, opened up my mind. I wish I’d taken an aerial-like photograph so I could give you memories of each person. Recite stories, or relay a joke, or mention something inspirational about each one. Because honestly, there were so many memories packed onto that patio that night. And I remembered thinking that I wish I had time to spend 3 minutes with each of these people thanking them for being around, for being an influence, for being a part of my life, and to let them know I hoped they would be around for many years to come.
But as my time in Austin progressed, as I became focused on the presentation I was due to give on Sunday evening, as I spent all of my time deciding whether I should use this slide or that slide, or if I should order things this way or that way, as I freaked out over having to do something that I really didn’t feel confident doing, (ironic, no?) I talked about feeling uneasy. And it was at this point that emails, text messages, and direct messages and @mentions on Twitter began to come in from people far and wide all over my online and in real life social sphere. These were people wishing me well, telling me they were excited to see it or sorry they couldn’t be there, these were from people telling me that they knew I was going to RAWK my TAWLK. But even then it didn’t click in place that not only was I surrounded by people who have affected me, I was surrounded by people I had affected. That realization didn’t come until my last night of SXSW.
Over the couple of days after I gave my talk, I had several people come up to me and tell me things that gave me goosebumps, made me cry, and shocked me profoundly. People thanked me for letting them know about projects online that they didn’t know existed. Projects whose existence made them feel safer and happier. People thanked me for sharing what I knew, what I’d learned and making them think. People thanked me for opening their eyes. One man even came up to me and told me that my presentation (which he hadn’t planned on attending) changed how he interacted with the rest of the festival. He told me he didn’t expect a white, middle-class, non-techy woman to make him re-think what he wanted from a tech conference, but I did. After my talk he threw away his planned schedule and decided to go to talks that were out of his realm of expertise to see what other new ideas he might have missed out on. And at that point it had worked so far. I had a discussion with a man who asked me if it was okay for him to call himself a feminist because he’d realized after researching independent health care for himself, how unfair insurance was to women. I told him it was encouraged, actually.
And what really blew me away, what really made me stop in my tracks and rethink the effect I had on people, was when several women came up to me and told me face-to-face, that I was their feminist icon. That I was the one who made them recognize that they were feminist, or that I made them realize they could be vocal in public and fight sexist comments, or that I was their feminist inspiration. This shocked me most because I wanted to reply with “No, really this other woman is a much better feminist than I am. You should follow her lead instead.” But I had to realize that without trying to do so, I’d affected people. I’d influenced them, made them feel less alone, made them feel understood. That’s powerful.
The last night we went to a group dinner that was large, but felt small. At one point we were asked if we wanted to get up and say anything to the group, and I didn’t because I didn’t know how to phrase what I was feeling and thinking. But a few days out, I know what I would have liked to have said.
“Every day we walk through life talking to people, writing things, taking photographs, making videos, and cracking jokes. But we rarely stop to realize that this creation affects people, quite possibly people we don’t even know. If I could do one thing right now, it would be to tell Brad how much he affected me and made the world a better, happier, funnier, naughtier place. And I regret that I never told him that. But I can tell all of you that even if you don’t remember my name, it’s quite likely that you have affected me. And I thank you for that. I’m grateful to you. And if I’ve affected you, I want you to know I’m humbled by that knowledge, I’m thrilled in fact. Thank you, and I hope to keep my affect on people positive as much as possible. And I hope that you get the chance to realize how you’ve affected others.”
Comments
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This brought tears to my eyes…an excellent post!
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