09 April 08
Self Esteem and Lack of Self Perception
Someone told me recently that she had thought she wasn’t cool enough to hang out with me. Thankfully this was by email so I had time to gather myself and think before responding. Why? Because my first reaction was, “Are you kidding me? You’re so cool, I’m so not.” And it took me thinking about the comment over the course of a day, before I was able to respond with. “Wow! I’ve had the same thought about you. You’re very cool. I have a hard time thinking that people are interested in me.”
And this is something I’ve not written a lot about here, but I have major struggles with my self-esteem. I’m often very confused how people relate to me. Occasionally, I’ll have a day when I think I’m really witty and just On, man! And I find out that people found me abrasive and pushy. And then I’m crushed and I think “How silly of me. I’m not cool at all, or funny. In fact, I’m mean and selfish and I’m just lucky I have any friends at all.” And then I find myself being quiet and withdrawn and watching instead of interacting when wiith friends. The occasionally I’ll think I was really boring and uninteresting and someone will tell me “You are one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.” And I’m just shocked, into silence. And into doubt.
And I know why I feel this way. I know where this stems from. I know what created this reaction in my brain, or is it my mind? And I have a great therapist and the ability to pay for it to thank. (Thanks, Dr. Marino.) I know where it comes from, but I still can’t stop it from coming. I can try to wait it out. I can try to hold strong against the waves of self-doubt. But it takes a while for me to do so, and it never goes away completely.
And I know I’m not the only one. I hear so many people that I find smart, and witty, and good parents, and successful, and strong say that they doubt themselves. I’m always amazed when I hear someone say something like this. Always surprised, because I always find these people as wonderful people that I’m fortunate to know. And it comes down to self-perception. and I just don’t think we’re able to truly understand how others perceive us. I want to get better at this. I want to be able to pick up on visual cues better so I know when I’m boring or obnoxious. But I also think if I knew that people were finding me interesting, I might be more comfortable with being perceived as cool or interesting or smart.
And I’m lucky to say that I don’t have anyone in my friend circle that isn’t cool. And I look at how big my friend circle is, and I’m reminded that I must be interesting enough since I know so many people. I’m lucky to be surrounded by people who I think are cool. It makes me sad to think that these people don’t see themselves the way I see them.
And while I know that self-esteem is something that lives within a person and can’t really be bolstered in a long-lasting way by others (although it can be easily torn down by others), I think if we all told each other what we think of each other. This will require us to strip away our snark, our irony, our cynicism, but I believe in you. I think you can do it. I’m going to try.
Comments
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Thanks for writing this post. :) You know how wonderful I think you are :) Hell…how wonderful i KNOW you are.
— amy on Apr 10, 07:29 am
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I think you’re totally one of the coolest people I know, even if I don’t understand the peanut butter and mayo thing. But I probably just don’t understand it because I am not cool.
— amyc on Apr 10, 10:07 pm
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dude. you’re way cooler than I am. you bring the coolness factor of me UP. :)
— carolyn on Apr 11, 12:13 pm
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